The Aspiration To Be A Buddha

Lately, I've been very unhappy. There's been a lot of stress. There has been loss. I am in a lot of physical pain from my teeth, that is driving me crazy and negatively influencing my mood horribly. My dad hasn't felt well. A friend of mine in another country was suicidal and I don't know if he is even still alive. I am seeing a lot of the worst this life has to offer.
According to my new Dharma teacher, in a video he posted, the First Pillar of True Shin Buddhism is the aspiration to be a Buddha. A Buddha understands how and why the universe works the way it does and how and why things happen to people the way they do. A Buddha has the power to help when no one else does. Last night, I was struggling to come up with words to help my suicidal friend. If he truly is dead, he's moved on to another life where there will be more suffering, as there always is in life. My dad, I don't know how long I have him. He is not a Buddhist but in my belief system, he will move on to more suffering. And, unless I do something about it, so will I.


I can offer my prayers to these people. When I used to pray and I was powerless to help tangibly, praying made me feel like I was at least trying to do something. Or I could tell them, "If you need me, I'll be here." But here to do WHAT? I am a finite being, completely incapable of removing the inherently painful nature of samsara. So, I am stuck in suffering and everyone I know and love is stuck in suffering. Without going into the Bodhisattva ideal of trying to bring all sentient beings to enlightenment, that fact of everyone I care about being mired in endless suffering is enough to make any compassionate person want to toss over the universe in search of a cure for the pain.

Becoming a Buddha offers it. A Buddha can transmit the Dharma to people at the level they need it, so that it makes sense to them, so that it frees them from the cycle of birth and death. So, if I am going to respond to Amida's offer to have faith in him to go to his Pure Land after this life to achieve enlightenment, the very first, very most important stage is wanting to be a Buddha. Wanting it and then knowing that the surest and best and fastest way of accomplishing it is taking Amida up on his Primal Vow. So, deep down, I may still love things about this life... I may still be filled with delusions and attachments... but I am fed up enough with the world as it is and not having anything to do in my power to make it better... that I am overwhelmed in my heart with the cry to become a fully enlightened Budda, freeing myself from the agonies of life and reaching out to all sentient beings and saying, "Now, I can do something. Now, if you need me, I REALLY AM HERE!"

Sorrow Held By Compassion

I have been very sad the past couple of days. A lot is going on in my life. We are moving. I have to pack, leave somewhere I was comfortable, start again somewhere new. Same thing in my spiritual life. I have found something different than I had been practicing before. I have left behind many of my old comfortable ideas. I am striking out on a new path. Along with that, most of my friends are very busy with school and the holidays. I always feel alone. I spent a great deal of time by myself wondering where I'm going, what I'm doing, if anyone notices that I'm hurting.

I switched blogs because I no longer wanted to spew venom at life and the world. I still have a great deal of pain in my heart and soul but that is the state of being human. I think I just tend to be more sensitive to it than most. Some will push it aside. Myself, it knocks me down and leaves me shaking and lost. Sensitivity is not normally associated with strength, which is reserved for the warriors of emotions who downplay anything negative and soldier on stoically. Well, sensitivity requires enormous strength if you don't let it break you. And if you don't solely focus it inwards, it provides you with insight into all the other beings you share the world with. This is the approach I attempt to take.

Lonely. Namu-Amida-Butsu. Sad. Namu-Amida-Butsu. Confused. Namu-Amida-Butsu. Gratitude for the endless compassion of the Buddha of the Infinite Light. I do not have to wait until death to see his Pure Land. I do not even have to wait until my mood improves. The Pure Land is in my suffering. Amitabha grasps me ever closer in my heartbreak and I speak the Name out of gratitude for that compassion beyond compassion, that love for me as for an only child, a wayward child in pain. He doesn't take the pain away. But he feels it with me, even more keenly than I do, for infinite compassion feels a finite pain infinitely. And thus he keeps his vows. Nothing needs to change miraculously. Nothing needs to suddenly get better. I do not need to beat this sadness and get a big smile back on my face. I just need to live, keep living, in this broken world, in this perfect Pure Land. When I transcend all illusion and all suffering, my compassion and my sorrow will be an ocean like his and my peace will be unshakeable. And the only difference will be, I will see that it was me all along and he waited for me to find that out.